Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The day that it became real...
Today is it, the day that this pregnancy became real to M and I. At 12 weeks 2 days (3 days according to my OB...) this pregnancy finally became real to us. We are so excited!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Beginning of a New Journey
So, I meant to keep a journal of our IVF experience... but I will just summarize that here since it is over!!!
We started stim's in early August. Lupron certainly did a number on me. I was a complete bitch-on-wheels, I hated it. Needless to say, M did too. Although he kindly says that it wasn't that bad. I remember a meeting at work where I had to work really really hard to hold my toungue at the things that were being said. The next day my boss asked me if anything was wrong during the meeting - since my face was getting so red!!
We continued on to menopur and bravelle - 5 vials total a night. I figured out that I was injecting about $260 into my stomach each night! M wonders why I was upset if he over-primed the needle! He got very good at it since he prepared all of the injections for me - such an awesome guy and a good way for him to stay involved as much as he could be. M also insisted at going to all of the monitoring appointments too.
Retrieval day came on August 15. It was a Sunday. I was told that I should rest the day of and that I could resume normal activities afterward - WRONG!!! I took another day off of work because I could barely bend, let alone button my pants. The pants were getting very uncomfortable before the retrieval (downright good reason too with 16 eggs retrieved!!) but afterwards it was just painful. I finally went back to work on the next day (Tuesday), but it took a full week before I felt somewhat 'normal' again.
We had day 5 transfer of 2 awesome blasts!! Grade A all the way! We were so so lucky to get 5 snowflakes out of the process too. I think a mix of A's and B's, but I am not quite sure of the mix.
11 days later on the Monday the 30th of August we went for our first blood test. I was sure that it was going to be negative, since all the HPT's I had taken were negative. It just shows that you shouldn't trust the Dollar Store HPT's!! We had hcg levels of 38 at 16 dpo. We didn't see a line until Tuesday afternoon on the tests. Good news, hopeful news, but not great news. We were told to be cautiously optimistic since the number was so low and to come back on Wednesday. So on September 1st, we went back and found out that our number had more than doubled to 88 at 18 dpo. Happy, but still cautiously optimistic. At the first blood test it was found that my progesterone was quite low. So in addition to my bajingo sticks (slang for crinone!), and estradil (by injection every 3 days), I not had to get injected with the dreaded projesterone-in-oil that I have heard so much about. It's not too bad if you ice the area, to me it just seems like the day-after-day injections in the limited area where you are allowed to inject makes for pretty tender butt cheeks. M was again his awesome self as he prepares almost every injection and then gives them to me since I can't see what the heck I am doing back there. It may not be pretty, but it doesn't matter. If it needs doing, I will do it.
I was also hit with tiredness several days this week. Just a hit-the-wall-at-noon kinda tiredness. I was also a little light-headed and thought that these were great signs. 4 days later on September 5 we went back again and found that our numbers almost multiplie by 10 to get to 817 at 21 dpo. Hcg is supposed to double every 48-72 hours in the first few weeks, but instead of x4 increase, we saw ~x9 increase!! Looking back, I am convinced that both blasts' were thriving. The extreme tiredness continued until Wednesday of that week. Then it was gone. I was still tired, still needed more sleep than normal, but I was getting the during-the-day hit-the-wall kind of tiredness that I had been. On September 9th we had another blood test that resulted in 3986 hcg values. Still awesome at the doubling in the appropriate amount of time, but not quite as much as before.
It was just around this point where I started feeling the effects of the projesterone as more than just slightly sore boobs. Usually after I ovulate, my boobs are extremely tender and I get ravenous. When we were going through the IUI's and I had to take the projesterone suppositories, I was getting all of that plus random nausea that would hit pretty bad and some BIG food aversions. Something would be great one day and I couldn't even stand to look at it the next. I was finally starting to feel this! It had taken forever here and it was worrying me, especially since I know that my progesterone started out low.
We finally got to see our little bean-poles on September 14 at 6wks 2 days. We had one strong heartbeat at 141 bpm in a 3.4mm long bean-pole. There was one slightly smaller empty sac. Dr. Lee gave it a 20% chance of catching up.
We were ecstatic! Epecially since te risk of miscarriage dropped by a lot once the heartbeat was seen. The PCOS already give me a higher chance for miscarriage, so I wasn't believing that it was quite as low as Dr. Google was telling me, but it was still lower.
Then last friday night, September 17, I spotted at 10:30pm. It was dark red, starting to turn brown. It was only about 4 wipes-worth and that was it. We were concerned... but not too concerned. We decided to wait until Sat morning to call the office.
It turns out that no one was in the office on saturday. We learned later that we had made a mistake in dialing the extension to page Dr. Lee. We learned that after we tried paging him again that night because I started gushing blood. Totally freaked us out. I thought that was it. Dr. Lee called us back and told us that he wasn't too concerned, that it was most likely a false alarm. I didn't really believe him. What was he going to say on the phone, sorry but your screwed? Of course he was going to be positive. He promised to call on Sunday morning when he got to the office and was able to review our chart in more detail. He said that he would most likely have us come in for another blood test and see what that was. I didn't think that it was good enough. It had been over a week since our last blood test and there is such a huge range of 'normal' that how would he know if the numbers were continuing to go up, or had been up higher and were now coming down. There were not enough data points!!! Darn being a complete geek. We went home and I spent the entire day on the couch. I was able to complete the rest of the day sans bleeding.
I was taking it really slow and easy on Monday. Elevators and all. I was spotting around noon. I was ok with that, relatively speaking.... Then around 2:30 the gushing began again. In about 15 minutes, 2-3 gushes later, I had just about soaked through and overnight pad. I quickly left work at 3 and headed to my couch. The only day in 4 that I had not bled was the day that I spent on the couch. I called Dr. Lee's office and they scheduled an ultrasound for 7:30 this morning (21 Sept.). We went in and found that we still have a strong heartbeat!! Although it wasn't measured this time. The embryo is measuring at 9mm - a little small, but still within the range of 'normal'. They were hoping for closer to 12 mm, but it is still good. It looks like the empty sac is now a blood clot. I am proud of our other blastocyst. I believe that a valiant effort was made on its part even though it didn't make it. It sounds like that may or may not be the source of our bleeding. It would, but it was in the uterus above the embryo and Dr. Lee couldn't see a way for the blood to get out. Overall he said that this pregnancy has about an 80% chance of success. I think that is pretty good for 7 wks and 2 days.
I went through today with light spotting in the morning and then nothing in the afternoon!! M called me at 5 to arrange when we should go home. As soon as I hung up, I stood up, and gush! ARGH! Almost made it home! It wasn't a terrible one, and was only a single gush (how bad is it that I am measuring stuff in gushes...).
That is where we are at. I guess you could call us pregnant, but with everything going on, I am still trying to take it day by day and calling it 'cautiously optimistic'. I did feel a lot better today after seeing the heartbeat again!
We started stim's in early August. Lupron certainly did a number on me. I was a complete bitch-on-wheels, I hated it. Needless to say, M did too. Although he kindly says that it wasn't that bad. I remember a meeting at work where I had to work really really hard to hold my toungue at the things that were being said. The next day my boss asked me if anything was wrong during the meeting - since my face was getting so red!!
We continued on to menopur and bravelle - 5 vials total a night. I figured out that I was injecting about $260 into my stomach each night! M wonders why I was upset if he over-primed the needle! He got very good at it since he prepared all of the injections for me - such an awesome guy and a good way for him to stay involved as much as he could be. M also insisted at going to all of the monitoring appointments too.
Retrieval day came on August 15. It was a Sunday. I was told that I should rest the day of and that I could resume normal activities afterward - WRONG!!! I took another day off of work because I could barely bend, let alone button my pants. The pants were getting very uncomfortable before the retrieval (downright good reason too with 16 eggs retrieved!!) but afterwards it was just painful. I finally went back to work on the next day (Tuesday), but it took a full week before I felt somewhat 'normal' again.
We had day 5 transfer of 2 awesome blasts!! Grade A all the way! We were so so lucky to get 5 snowflakes out of the process too. I think a mix of A's and B's, but I am not quite sure of the mix.
11 days later on the Monday the 30th of August we went for our first blood test. I was sure that it was going to be negative, since all the HPT's I had taken were negative. It just shows that you shouldn't trust the Dollar Store HPT's!! We had hcg levels of 38 at 16 dpo. We didn't see a line until Tuesday afternoon on the tests. Good news, hopeful news, but not great news. We were told to be cautiously optimistic since the number was so low and to come back on Wednesday. So on September 1st, we went back and found out that our number had more than doubled to 88 at 18 dpo. Happy, but still cautiously optimistic. At the first blood test it was found that my progesterone was quite low. So in addition to my bajingo sticks (slang for crinone!), and estradil (by injection every 3 days), I not had to get injected with the dreaded projesterone-in-oil that I have heard so much about. It's not too bad if you ice the area, to me it just seems like the day-after-day injections in the limited area where you are allowed to inject makes for pretty tender butt cheeks. M was again his awesome self as he prepares almost every injection and then gives them to me since I can't see what the heck I am doing back there. It may not be pretty, but it doesn't matter. If it needs doing, I will do it.
I was also hit with tiredness several days this week. Just a hit-the-wall-at-noon kinda tiredness. I was also a little light-headed and thought that these were great signs. 4 days later on September 5 we went back again and found that our numbers almost multiplie by 10 to get to 817 at 21 dpo. Hcg is supposed to double every 48-72 hours in the first few weeks, but instead of x4 increase, we saw ~x9 increase!! Looking back, I am convinced that both blasts' were thriving. The extreme tiredness continued until Wednesday of that week. Then it was gone. I was still tired, still needed more sleep than normal, but I was getting the during-the-day hit-the-wall kind of tiredness that I had been. On September 9th we had another blood test that resulted in 3986 hcg values. Still awesome at the doubling in the appropriate amount of time, but not quite as much as before.
It was just around this point where I started feeling the effects of the projesterone as more than just slightly sore boobs. Usually after I ovulate, my boobs are extremely tender and I get ravenous. When we were going through the IUI's and I had to take the projesterone suppositories, I was getting all of that plus random nausea that would hit pretty bad and some BIG food aversions. Something would be great one day and I couldn't even stand to look at it the next. I was finally starting to feel this! It had taken forever here and it was worrying me, especially since I know that my progesterone started out low.
We finally got to see our little bean-poles on September 14 at 6wks 2 days. We had one strong heartbeat at 141 bpm in a 3.4mm long bean-pole. There was one slightly smaller empty sac. Dr. Lee gave it a 20% chance of catching up.
We were ecstatic! Epecially since te risk of miscarriage dropped by a lot once the heartbeat was seen. The PCOS already give me a higher chance for miscarriage, so I wasn't believing that it was quite as low as Dr. Google was telling me, but it was still lower.
Then last friday night, September 17, I spotted at 10:30pm. It was dark red, starting to turn brown. It was only about 4 wipes-worth and that was it. We were concerned... but not too concerned. We decided to wait until Sat morning to call the office.
It turns out that no one was in the office on saturday. We learned later that we had made a mistake in dialing the extension to page Dr. Lee. We learned that after we tried paging him again that night because I started gushing blood. Totally freaked us out. I thought that was it. Dr. Lee called us back and told us that he wasn't too concerned, that it was most likely a false alarm. I didn't really believe him. What was he going to say on the phone, sorry but your screwed? Of course he was going to be positive. He promised to call on Sunday morning when he got to the office and was able to review our chart in more detail. He said that he would most likely have us come in for another blood test and see what that was. I didn't think that it was good enough. It had been over a week since our last blood test and there is such a huge range of 'normal' that how would he know if the numbers were continuing to go up, or had been up higher and were now coming down. There were not enough data points!!! Darn being a complete geek. We went home and I spent the entire day on the couch. I was able to complete the rest of the day sans bleeding.
I was taking it really slow and easy on Monday. Elevators and all. I was spotting around noon. I was ok with that, relatively speaking.... Then around 2:30 the gushing began again. In about 15 minutes, 2-3 gushes later, I had just about soaked through and overnight pad. I quickly left work at 3 and headed to my couch. The only day in 4 that I had not bled was the day that I spent on the couch. I called Dr. Lee's office and they scheduled an ultrasound for 7:30 this morning (21 Sept.). We went in and found that we still have a strong heartbeat!! Although it wasn't measured this time. The embryo is measuring at 9mm - a little small, but still within the range of 'normal'. They were hoping for closer to 12 mm, but it is still good. It looks like the empty sac is now a blood clot. I am proud of our other blastocyst. I believe that a valiant effort was made on its part even though it didn't make it. It sounds like that may or may not be the source of our bleeding. It would, but it was in the uterus above the embryo and Dr. Lee couldn't see a way for the blood to get out. Overall he said that this pregnancy has about an 80% chance of success. I think that is pretty good for 7 wks and 2 days.
I went through today with light spotting in the morning and then nothing in the afternoon!! M called me at 5 to arrange when we should go home. As soon as I hung up, I stood up, and gush! ARGH! Almost made it home! It wasn't a terrible one, and was only a single gush (how bad is it that I am measuring stuff in gushes...).
That is where we are at. I guess you could call us pregnant, but with everything going on, I am still trying to take it day by day and calling it 'cautiously optimistic'. I did feel a lot better today after seeing the heartbeat again!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
IVF Here We Come! (and other random thoughts...)
Well, we had our relaxing vacation in Maine! It was great. We did have a bit of a heat wave up there, but thankfully, it would still get cool at night. We got to see some family and spend a lot of time with M's parents. I do have to keep in mind though that vacations with the in-laws are never as relaxing as I think that they are going to be - despite how great they are.
We came back to a whirlwind of happenings at work and home. Our oven has been broken for a while and we finally got around to telling our landlord! He told us to go pick out a new one and gave us a $500 budget. Total score! The new one is being delivered tomorrow and I can't wait.
Finally on to the IVF. I still have the bcp's. Although my face has FINALLY cleared up! Along with my back and chest (that's right, I get boob-zits.... ugh.). We had our 'start' visit with the RE on Thursday that included a trial transfer. The trial transfer went well. I wasn't sure what to expect pain-wise especially since I had such a horrid HSG. Fortunately my RE was able to do in about 10 seconds what it took the HSG dr to do in 45 minutes (that's right OMG.). The saline barely made me cramp at all!! It was both good and bad. I was kinda hoping to not have to go to work after because I would be vegging the pain away on the couch. Oh well. My ovaries are clear but a fibroid was found - my first. They run in the family, but holy cow, what timing. It was 16mm x 17mm and thankfully did not interfere with the internal part of the uterus. It was just hanging out in the wall. I blame the bcp's. I mean, why not? It wasn't there 3 months ago and it is the only thing different that I have been on since then.
Then, Thursday after work came the scare. Let me preface this by saying that M and I got extremely lucky in May and we are extremely grateful for this. The health insurance from my work (and FSA) goes from Jan to Dec. At M's work, it goes from July - June. We had already exhausted my FSA for the year (in February...) so at almost the last minute in May, I remembered that M should have open enrollment any time now. Turns out it was the next week. So we set about deciding how much money we should put into the FSA. During this, I had another thought - we hadn't looked into M's insurance yet. You see, he has an HMO with dr's that he loves. I DO NOT like the HMO that he is on. I have heard horrible things about them from other people, but M has had such a great experience with them. In California, it is a state law that insurance companies have to offer infertility treatment to employers when they are developing plans to offer employees. However, he employers do not have to make it a part of their plan (mine work doesn't). Then we found out, M's work does. What a windfall! We have a decent chunk of change saved up which could probably serve as a down payment on a house in most markets of the country, but not Los An.geles. This had become our baby-making / adoption fund. In order to save some for emergencies, we had decided that we could only do one IVF cycle so that we would have enough money for adoption if that fell through. The insurance would have a $1200 deductable and then cover 90% of infertility services (in-plan) up to a $25,000 lifetime max - including prescription meds. We were completely thrilled and soo soo surprised and extremely thankful. We figured that we could get 3 IVFs for a little over the cost of one.
Ok, back to Thursday. M picks me up at work and we head to the scratch and dent to pick out an oven. Along the way he tells me that the pharmacy called him about our IVF meds and that the main ones (read: expensive) are not covered. He said to charge it and about $3,000 of meds were charged to his credit card. I freaked out. Here is why: We set aside $5,000 for this cycle - paltry I know in terms of IVF costs, but our RE's billing staff said that we probably wouldn't even need this much with the insurance. So the fact that most of the drugs were not covered was a huge shock that we were not prepared for. I am a planner by nature and it made me question the future of our IVF. We could definitely go through with this cycle, but would this be it? The insurance could not even give me a list of exactly what infertility meds they DID cover WTF!! What would happen when we got to the procedures? Would they be denied too? Maybe they only cover clomid and ultrasounds and call that infertility treatment - who knows. There were no managers to speak to at the insurance company as it was after hours. Needless to say I was NOT happy.
On Friday I called everyone, the RE, the pharmacy, the insurance. To make LONG story just a bit shorter, my RE's billing person was shocked. When we called our insurance we got a very nice lady on the phone, C. She was able to very quickly clarify that the pharmacy portion of our plan did NOT cover the infertility meds, HOWEVER the MEDICAL portion did. We just needed to pay up front and submit a claim to the company. WHY oh WHY could the lady the day before have said that???? This is NOT a time that I need stress. Mind you we still need to send in the paperwork and see if it actually gets reimbursed, but it made so much more sense that way. The paperwork is ready to be mailed on Monday.
So then stress subsided (Wheeewwww!). Now, back to focusing on the IVF itself. I am trying to take this one day at a time. I am focusing on making follicles! I am not quite to the stim part yet, but since I am not sure what is going on right now, that is the first step I am focusing on. I am usually quite particular about knowing exactly what is going on when, but this is part of my stress reduction plan - go with the flow.
Ok, I was going to end with an inspirational quote, but I couldn't find any that satisfied my at the moment.
We came back to a whirlwind of happenings at work and home. Our oven has been broken for a while and we finally got around to telling our landlord! He told us to go pick out a new one and gave us a $500 budget. Total score! The new one is being delivered tomorrow and I can't wait.
Finally on to the IVF. I still have the bcp's. Although my face has FINALLY cleared up! Along with my back and chest (that's right, I get boob-zits.... ugh.). We had our 'start' visit with the RE on Thursday that included a trial transfer. The trial transfer went well. I wasn't sure what to expect pain-wise especially since I had such a horrid HSG. Fortunately my RE was able to do in about 10 seconds what it took the HSG dr to do in 45 minutes (that's right OMG.). The saline barely made me cramp at all!! It was both good and bad. I was kinda hoping to not have to go to work after because I would be vegging the pain away on the couch. Oh well. My ovaries are clear but a fibroid was found - my first. They run in the family, but holy cow, what timing. It was 16mm x 17mm and thankfully did not interfere with the internal part of the uterus. It was just hanging out in the wall. I blame the bcp's. I mean, why not? It wasn't there 3 months ago and it is the only thing different that I have been on since then.
Then, Thursday after work came the scare. Let me preface this by saying that M and I got extremely lucky in May and we are extremely grateful for this. The health insurance from my work (and FSA) goes from Jan to Dec. At M's work, it goes from July - June. We had already exhausted my FSA for the year (in February...) so at almost the last minute in May, I remembered that M should have open enrollment any time now. Turns out it was the next week. So we set about deciding how much money we should put into the FSA. During this, I had another thought - we hadn't looked into M's insurance yet. You see, he has an HMO with dr's that he loves. I DO NOT like the HMO that he is on. I have heard horrible things about them from other people, but M has had such a great experience with them. In California, it is a state law that insurance companies have to offer infertility treatment to employers when they are developing plans to offer employees. However, he employers do not have to make it a part of their plan (mine work doesn't). Then we found out, M's work does. What a windfall! We have a decent chunk of change saved up which could probably serve as a down payment on a house in most markets of the country, but not Los An.geles. This had become our baby-making / adoption fund. In order to save some for emergencies, we had decided that we could only do one IVF cycle so that we would have enough money for adoption if that fell through. The insurance would have a $1200 deductable and then cover 90% of infertility services (in-plan) up to a $25,000 lifetime max - including prescription meds. We were completely thrilled and soo soo surprised and extremely thankful. We figured that we could get 3 IVFs for a little over the cost of one.
Ok, back to Thursday. M picks me up at work and we head to the scratch and dent to pick out an oven. Along the way he tells me that the pharmacy called him about our IVF meds and that the main ones (read: expensive) are not covered. He said to charge it and about $3,000 of meds were charged to his credit card. I freaked out. Here is why: We set aside $5,000 for this cycle - paltry I know in terms of IVF costs, but our RE's billing staff said that we probably wouldn't even need this much with the insurance. So the fact that most of the drugs were not covered was a huge shock that we were not prepared for. I am a planner by nature and it made me question the future of our IVF. We could definitely go through with this cycle, but would this be it? The insurance could not even give me a list of exactly what infertility meds they DID cover WTF!! What would happen when we got to the procedures? Would they be denied too? Maybe they only cover clomid and ultrasounds and call that infertility treatment - who knows. There were no managers to speak to at the insurance company as it was after hours. Needless to say I was NOT happy.
On Friday I called everyone, the RE, the pharmacy, the insurance. To make LONG story just a bit shorter, my RE's billing person was shocked. When we called our insurance we got a very nice lady on the phone, C. She was able to very quickly clarify that the pharmacy portion of our plan did NOT cover the infertility meds, HOWEVER the MEDICAL portion did. We just needed to pay up front and submit a claim to the company. WHY oh WHY could the lady the day before have said that???? This is NOT a time that I need stress. Mind you we still need to send in the paperwork and see if it actually gets reimbursed, but it made so much more sense that way. The paperwork is ready to be mailed on Monday.
So then stress subsided (Wheeewwww!). Now, back to focusing on the IVF itself. I am trying to take this one day at a time. I am focusing on making follicles! I am not quite to the stim part yet, but since I am not sure what is going on right now, that is the first step I am focusing on. I am usually quite particular about knowing exactly what is going on when, but this is part of my stress reduction plan - go with the flow.
Ok, I was going to end with an inspirational quote, but I couldn't find any that satisfied my at the moment.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Ugh.. Progesterone...
I have been on bcp's for about 2 weeks now in preparation for the upcoming IVF next month. And let me tell you: I have NO idea how people live on these things!!
There must be a whole bunch of progesterone in these things, my boobs are completely sore. Not so much as with the suppositories, although I was making my own then in addition to adding some to the body, but still sore nonetheless. That isn't so bad. BUT, the cravings / aversions! OMG! I remember for a while that once in a while I get these cravings where absolutely NOTHING else seems remotely appealing - even food that I normally love makes me feel like puking at the thought of it. I just put it together yesterday that this happens during the two week wait! In other words: PROGESTERONE!
For two weeks now I have been getting randomly nauseous and have been having a hard time figuring out what to eat that won't make me gag and literally feel completely ill. Even when I find the right food and then eat it, I still feel ill afterward. At least I didn't feel like puking when it was going in I suppose.
I get at least another month of this, and then, if I am lucky, at least another 3 months after that!
There must be a whole bunch of progesterone in these things, my boobs are completely sore. Not so much as with the suppositories, although I was making my own then in addition to adding some to the body, but still sore nonetheless. That isn't so bad. BUT, the cravings / aversions! OMG! I remember for a while that once in a while I get these cravings where absolutely NOTHING else seems remotely appealing - even food that I normally love makes me feel like puking at the thought of it. I just put it together yesterday that this happens during the two week wait! In other words: PROGESTERONE!
For two weeks now I have been getting randomly nauseous and have been having a hard time figuring out what to eat that won't make me gag and literally feel completely ill. Even when I find the right food and then eat it, I still feel ill afterward. At least I didn't feel like puking when it was going in I suppose.
I get at least another month of this, and then, if I am lucky, at least another 3 months after that!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Originally I thought that we were going to start after our vacation, but now we won't be starting the real part of the IVF until about 2 weeks after we get back. AHH! That means birth control for two months, not a little over one. I am not a fan of birth control. I have met people and several 'friends of friends' who have had serious life-threatening issues due to birth control. There are at least 4 that I know of. That is 4 too many in my book. Birth control can cause clotting issues and you can be especially vulnerable if you have a certain gene that makes you susceptible to clotting. However you are not ever tested for this gene before being given birth control!!
Anywho, I am not as conerned about the two extra weeks as I am about my stress levels. I feel that I would be the most relaxed right after we return from vacation. Now, it will be two weeks after. There is a big event at work that is happening right around then. We had thought about postponing IVF until after this event, but honestly, it is so unpredictable. It could move by a few days, weeks, or even months. I didn't want to put my life on hold because of that. Now, if the project continues along the current timeline, everything will be right on top of each other. I am going to do my best to relax, and we will probably go and get massages once a week or so.
I have been reading about how other women prepare themselves for IVF and many go the acupuncture route. I am a little hesitant on this. I have nothing against holistic medicine, I just don't know enough about it. I don't feel that this is the time to learn, as that process can be stressful.
I just want this all to be done with! I imagine myself finally pregnant and thinking about how I will tell people. I feel that talking about infertility is important. Most of my friends know that we are having issues, however, only several people at work know. Infertility is more common than people realize. I found out during NIAW this year that just as many couples are infertile as women have breast cancer. Now, breast cancer is certainly a more serious, life-threatening disease, but think for a moment how many women you know who have breast cancer? Who will have breast cancer in the future? That is how many people you know now who are living with infertility - whether you know it or not. Think for a minute how many fund-raisers you hear about for breast cancer, how it was once taboo but now is one of the most talked about women's health issue. Infertility should be talked about just as much. It should be taught to society. Not everyone can get pregnant when they want, but that is exactly what we are all taught. If we are going to educate our children about sex and pregnancy, let's be fully honest with them as well. They grow up dreaming of becoming Mothers one day - expecting it to be the one thing in life than can come easily, and it is a complete lie. It is just like everything else, it comes easy to some people, and not to others. They need to be emotionally prepared for this possibility. I wasn't.
I always thought that my life was too perfect, that something was going to happen. I thought that it would come as a child with a disability. While that isn't out of the question yet, it came first as infertility. On top of that came my Dad's accident last year. In two years my whole life has been turned up-side down. My work is affected, my home life is affected, my whole world has been affected. I wish I could have been better prepared - at least for the infertility part. I don't think that anything could have prepared me for the accident last year.
Anywho, I am not as conerned about the two extra weeks as I am about my stress levels. I feel that I would be the most relaxed right after we return from vacation. Now, it will be two weeks after. There is a big event at work that is happening right around then. We had thought about postponing IVF until after this event, but honestly, it is so unpredictable. It could move by a few days, weeks, or even months. I didn't want to put my life on hold because of that. Now, if the project continues along the current timeline, everything will be right on top of each other. I am going to do my best to relax, and we will probably go and get massages once a week or so.
I have been reading about how other women prepare themselves for IVF and many go the acupuncture route. I am a little hesitant on this. I have nothing against holistic medicine, I just don't know enough about it. I don't feel that this is the time to learn, as that process can be stressful.
I just want this all to be done with! I imagine myself finally pregnant and thinking about how I will tell people. I feel that talking about infertility is important. Most of my friends know that we are having issues, however, only several people at work know. Infertility is more common than people realize. I found out during NIAW this year that just as many couples are infertile as women have breast cancer. Now, breast cancer is certainly a more serious, life-threatening disease, but think for a moment how many women you know who have breast cancer? Who will have breast cancer in the future? That is how many people you know now who are living with infertility - whether you know it or not. Think for a minute how many fund-raisers you hear about for breast cancer, how it was once taboo but now is one of the most talked about women's health issue. Infertility should be talked about just as much. It should be taught to society. Not everyone can get pregnant when they want, but that is exactly what we are all taught. If we are going to educate our children about sex and pregnancy, let's be fully honest with them as well. They grow up dreaming of becoming Mothers one day - expecting it to be the one thing in life than can come easily, and it is a complete lie. It is just like everything else, it comes easy to some people, and not to others. They need to be emotionally prepared for this possibility. I wasn't.
I always thought that my life was too perfect, that something was going to happen. I thought that it would come as a child with a disability. While that isn't out of the question yet, it came first as infertility. On top of that came my Dad's accident last year. In two years my whole life has been turned up-side down. My work is affected, my home life is affected, my whole world has been affected. I wish I could have been better prepared - at least for the infertility part. I don't think that anything could have prepared me for the accident last year.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Well, we are moving on to IVF. I am excited and apprehensive, all at the same time. We have been on a fertility treatment break for the last month. I wasn't sure that I was ready for one at the time, but it turns out to be one of the best things that we did. I have been able to relax and feel more like myself. While fertility is always on the forefront on my mind, it wasn't always the most dominant thing on my mind. It has been a really nice break.
My break is sort of ending tomorrow. Amazingly enough the first step to IVF is to go on birth control!! I have only been on birth control for 3 months before in my life. I will now be on it for about a month and a half. We'll see how that goes... The heavy drugs won't start until mid-July, so we are mostly on a break still. I can't believe that I have to go on birth control!!!
I have been trying to read up on how to prepare for IVF. I have read many things about massage and accupuncture. I have tried massage before but not accupunture. I don't know if I am going to start accupunture quite yet, but it is nice to lose yourself in a massage and to be able to let my mind go blank - even for only a few minutes. I have a hard time stopping my thinking, even if I want to. Once we get back from vacation I think that we will enjoy a few more massages.
SART.org says that polls have shown that going through IVF can be as stressful as going through a major life event, such as the loss of a family member. I think that this is going to be stressful, but somehow I am not sure that it is going to be THAT stressful. At least I hope not. Thank goodness we are going on vacation before we begin!
My break is sort of ending tomorrow. Amazingly enough the first step to IVF is to go on birth control!! I have only been on birth control for 3 months before in my life. I will now be on it for about a month and a half. We'll see how that goes... The heavy drugs won't start until mid-July, so we are mostly on a break still. I can't believe that I have to go on birth control!!!
I have been trying to read up on how to prepare for IVF. I have read many things about massage and accupuncture. I have tried massage before but not accupunture. I don't know if I am going to start accupunture quite yet, but it is nice to lose yourself in a massage and to be able to let my mind go blank - even for only a few minutes. I have a hard time stopping my thinking, even if I want to. Once we get back from vacation I think that we will enjoy a few more massages.
SART.org says that polls have shown that going through IVF can be as stressful as going through a major life event, such as the loss of a family member. I think that this is going to be stressful, but somehow I am not sure that it is going to be THAT stressful. At least I hope not. Thank goodness we are going on vacation before we begin!
Monday, March 15, 2010
HSG Test
Well, I have been quite emotional lately (Thank you clomid....), but I will talk more on that later.
Today, I had my HSG test. My RE told me that it should only take about 10 minutes, and it should have. For those who are not familiar, an HSG test, it is a test designed to determine whether or not your fallopian tubes are open. The procedure is fairly simple. A speculum was inserted, well you know where, and then a catheter with a balloon is inserted through the cervix. An iodine based dye is then inserted while a live x-ray is projected on a screen. The Dr. and tech then take about 6 x-ray picts while the dye is going through everywhere. They did have me turn on each side and took x-rays like that as well.
I took one tylenol about and hour before the procedure. For me, however, it was the worst medical procedure I have ever had. For me, I was on the table for almost 45 minutes. Apparently, the Dr. had trouble finding my cervix. I have never had anyone have trouble finding my cervix before! Holy cow! Do the math - the procedure should take about 10 minutes, mine took about 45. That is how long they were routing around in there with a speculum trying to locate my cervix. They said that they could see it, but not the opening and that my vaginal walls kept collapsing. Now, I am not skinny by any means, but I am not hugely overweight either! The speculum was cold, and had no KY jelly. I was holding back the tears on the table, and my legs were shaking uncontrollably. This was supposed to be the easiest part. I have had 2 IUIs, and many pap smears before. This should have been the SAME procedure as for them. I felt that having sex with a tree branch would have been more comfortable. As well as taking about half the time.
Please, if you are about to have this procedure done, don't let this scare you. the part of the procedure I descrived about should NORMALLY should feel like a pap smear, which is no biggie. The Dr. that did this told me that he has performed 10,000 of these, and that he has only had 1 patient who he was not able to complete the procedure on. I was seconds away from being #2.
Once the catheter was in, the dye was injected. I was expecting mega pain on this. I had lots of cramps from each IUI that lasted most of the day. I could feel my uterus for a week afterwards. Everything that I have heard about the HSG, is that you get cramping that isn't bad, but worse than an IUI. Since I was one of the ones that was affected by the IUI's more than most, I was expecting bad things from the HSG. The cramping due to the dye turned out to be no worse than an IUI, except I didn't have the bloating, so overall, that wasn't as bad. The pain was well manageable with tylenol.
I did end up taking the rest of the day off of work, mostly because the experience was very traumatic. I am sooo glad it is over. I so wanted to end it during the whole routing around thing, but I new that I would have to come back and just start the whole thing over again, and I am not sure that I could have done that. So so so so so glad it is over. I hope that I never have to do that again!
Today, I had my HSG test. My RE told me that it should only take about 10 minutes, and it should have. For those who are not familiar, an HSG test, it is a test designed to determine whether or not your fallopian tubes are open. The procedure is fairly simple. A speculum was inserted, well you know where, and then a catheter with a balloon is inserted through the cervix. An iodine based dye is then inserted while a live x-ray is projected on a screen. The Dr. and tech then take about 6 x-ray picts while the dye is going through everywhere. They did have me turn on each side and took x-rays like that as well.
I took one tylenol about and hour before the procedure. For me, however, it was the worst medical procedure I have ever had. For me, I was on the table for almost 45 minutes. Apparently, the Dr. had trouble finding my cervix. I have never had anyone have trouble finding my cervix before! Holy cow! Do the math - the procedure should take about 10 minutes, mine took about 45. That is how long they were routing around in there with a speculum trying to locate my cervix. They said that they could see it, but not the opening and that my vaginal walls kept collapsing. Now, I am not skinny by any means, but I am not hugely overweight either! The speculum was cold, and had no KY jelly. I was holding back the tears on the table, and my legs were shaking uncontrollably. This was supposed to be the easiest part. I have had 2 IUIs, and many pap smears before. This should have been the SAME procedure as for them. I felt that having sex with a tree branch would have been more comfortable. As well as taking about half the time.
Please, if you are about to have this procedure done, don't let this scare you. the part of the procedure I descrived about should NORMALLY should feel like a pap smear, which is no biggie. The Dr. that did this told me that he has performed 10,000 of these, and that he has only had 1 patient who he was not able to complete the procedure on. I was seconds away from being #2.
Once the catheter was in, the dye was injected. I was expecting mega pain on this. I had lots of cramps from each IUI that lasted most of the day. I could feel my uterus for a week afterwards. Everything that I have heard about the HSG, is that you get cramping that isn't bad, but worse than an IUI. Since I was one of the ones that was affected by the IUI's more than most, I was expecting bad things from the HSG. The cramping due to the dye turned out to be no worse than an IUI, except I didn't have the bloating, so overall, that wasn't as bad. The pain was well manageable with tylenol.
I did end up taking the rest of the day off of work, mostly because the experience was very traumatic. I am sooo glad it is over. I so wanted to end it during the whole routing around thing, but I new that I would have to come back and just start the whole thing over again, and I am not sure that I could have done that. So so so so so glad it is over. I hope that I never have to do that again!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Wow, I haven't posted in a while. I am still getting used to this. But I really need somewhere to write down all that I am feeling, so I hope that you bear with me.
The iui that we did in October did not work. We were only on clomid then. The only reason that we did the iui was because it was our first round with clomid and my RE wanted to do monitoring to make sure that we were ovulating. Since the iui was only a little extra, we decided to add that on.
For the next three months we did clomid on our own. We didn't get to time it right in November because we both got sick... We ended our last clomid cycle in early February with no success. Incidentally, I found out around this time that my brother and his wife are unexpectedly expecting. Talk about a mixed bag of emotions.... Wow.
I hate the way I feel about it. I feel so petty - one of the things that worries me the most is that what if they chose a name for their baby that Matt and I were thinking of for the past two years? I also don't want to resent them or their new baby, but I really feel that no matter what happens, I can't go home this year for Christmas. I hate the way I feel about this. I don't want to feel this way and I am doing all that I can to change it.
So in February we did our second iui. This was a half clomid and half menopur cycle. I produced 6 mature eggs (yay!) which seemed like a lot to me at the time - and it still does, but the cycle did not work. I couldn't believe how uncomfortable I was the morning of the iui - with all of the follicles bursting, I felt like I was too. We both had super amounts of hope for this cycle. More than either of us had in a long time. Unfortuately, all of this hope led to a big crash yesterday when we found out that it didn't work.
I am waiting for my cycle to start so that we can begin again. I think that I will be getting an HSG this round to check my tubes. I am not sure if we can do a round at the same time, but I hope so.
I want to end each post on a good note. I think that it will help me to remember the good things in my life and that I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I also want to write one thing that is frustratin me and one thing that I need to improve on. Hopefully this will help me keep some perspective, so here it goes:
Frustrating: I have many (in fact most) friends who have been through some sort of infertility, however, only one of them has gone through more than we have (we are very close to catching up) and all have gotten past their hurdles and now have children. While I am thankful that they were successful (great news for them as well as giving me hope that we will be successful too) we are now on our way to being infertile the longest. Even though all of my friends give excellent shoulders to lean on, it is sometimes hard to be around them since they have already succeeded. (Whew! Long winded, but I hope that you understand...)
Improve on: Motivation. I have had pretty much no motivation recently whether at work or home. I need to get back on my game. I am going to start with my home and making myself put at least 20 min a day into my home. I know it isn't much, but it is a lot more than I am doing now and hopefully doing things in baby steps will help to get me going.
Thankful: I am thankful to have such a wonderful and supporting husband that is there for me every step of the way in this process. Without him, I could not make it through this (in more ways than one!)
Thanks for reading.
The iui that we did in October did not work. We were only on clomid then. The only reason that we did the iui was because it was our first round with clomid and my RE wanted to do monitoring to make sure that we were ovulating. Since the iui was only a little extra, we decided to add that on.
For the next three months we did clomid on our own. We didn't get to time it right in November because we both got sick... We ended our last clomid cycle in early February with no success. Incidentally, I found out around this time that my brother and his wife are unexpectedly expecting. Talk about a mixed bag of emotions.... Wow.
I hate the way I feel about it. I feel so petty - one of the things that worries me the most is that what if they chose a name for their baby that Matt and I were thinking of for the past two years? I also don't want to resent them or their new baby, but I really feel that no matter what happens, I can't go home this year for Christmas. I hate the way I feel about this. I don't want to feel this way and I am doing all that I can to change it.
So in February we did our second iui. This was a half clomid and half menopur cycle. I produced 6 mature eggs (yay!) which seemed like a lot to me at the time - and it still does, but the cycle did not work. I couldn't believe how uncomfortable I was the morning of the iui - with all of the follicles bursting, I felt like I was too. We both had super amounts of hope for this cycle. More than either of us had in a long time. Unfortuately, all of this hope led to a big crash yesterday when we found out that it didn't work.
I am waiting for my cycle to start so that we can begin again. I think that I will be getting an HSG this round to check my tubes. I am not sure if we can do a round at the same time, but I hope so.
I want to end each post on a good note. I think that it will help me to remember the good things in my life and that I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I also want to write one thing that is frustratin me and one thing that I need to improve on. Hopefully this will help me keep some perspective, so here it goes:
Frustrating: I have many (in fact most) friends who have been through some sort of infertility, however, only one of them has gone through more than we have (we are very close to catching up) and all have gotten past their hurdles and now have children. While I am thankful that they were successful (great news for them as well as giving me hope that we will be successful too) we are now on our way to being infertile the longest. Even though all of my friends give excellent shoulders to lean on, it is sometimes hard to be around them since they have already succeeded. (Whew! Long winded, but I hope that you understand...)
Improve on: Motivation. I have had pretty much no motivation recently whether at work or home. I need to get back on my game. I am going to start with my home and making myself put at least 20 min a day into my home. I know it isn't much, but it is a lot more than I am doing now and hopefully doing things in baby steps will help to get me going.
Thankful: I am thankful to have such a wonderful and supporting husband that is there for me every step of the way in this process. Without him, I could not make it through this (in more ways than one!)
Thanks for reading.
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