Wow, I haven't posted in a while. I am still getting used to this. But I really need somewhere to write down all that I am feeling, so I hope that you bear with me.

The iui that we did in October did not work. We were only on clomid then. The only reason that we did the iui was because it was our first round with clomid and my RE wanted to do monitoring to make sure that we were ovulating. Since the iui was only a little extra, we decided to add that on.

For the next three months we did clomid on our own. We didn't get to time it right in November because we both got sick... We ended our last clomid cycle in early February with no success. Incidentally, I found out around this time that my brother and his wife are unexpectedly expecting. Talk about a mixed bag of emotions.... Wow.

I hate the way I feel about it. I feel so petty - one of the things that worries me the most is that what if they chose a name for their baby that Matt and I were thinking of for the past two years? I also don't want to resent them or their new baby, but I really feel that no matter what happens, I can't go home this year for Christmas. I hate the way I feel about this. I don't want to feel this way and I am doing all that I can to change it.

So in February we did our second iui. This was a half clomid and half menopur cycle. I produced 6 mature eggs (yay!) which seemed like a lot to me at the time - and it still does, but the cycle did not work. I couldn't believe how uncomfortable I was the morning of the iui - with all of the follicles bursting, I felt like I was too. We both had super amounts of hope for this cycle. More than either of us had in a long time. Unfortuately, all of this hope led to a big crash yesterday when we found out that it didn't work.

I am waiting for my cycle to start so that we can begin again. I think that I will be getting an HSG this round to check my tubes. I am not sure if we can do a round at the same time, but I hope so.

I want to end each post on a good note. I think that it will help me to remember the good things in my life and that I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I also want to write one thing that is frustratin me and one thing that I need to improve on. Hopefully this will help me keep some perspective, so here it goes:

Frustrating: I have many (in fact most) friends who have been through some sort of infertility, however, only one of them has gone through more than we have (we are very close to catching up) and all have gotten past their hurdles and now have children. While I am thankful that they were successful (great news for them as well as giving me hope that we will be successful too) we are now on our way to being infertile the longest. Even though all of my friends give excellent shoulders to lean on, it is sometimes hard to be around them since they have already succeeded. (Whew! Long winded, but I hope that you understand...)

Improve on: Motivation. I have had pretty much no motivation recently whether at work or home. I need to get back on my game. I am going to start with my home and making myself put at least 20 min a day into my home. I know it isn't much, but it is a lot more than I am doing now and hopefully doing things in baby steps will help to get me going.

Thankful: I am thankful to have such a wonderful and supporting husband that is there for me every step of the way in this process. Without him, I could not make it through this (in more ways than one!)

Thanks for reading.